Through the hallowed halls of history there have walked august and serious people.

But screw those guys…these are the characters from:

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson


Andrew Jackson

America’s first emo. He was the Jordan Catalano to the Angela Chase that was post-Colonial America. A good-looking, immensely charismatic man's man, prone to idiocy, racism, and violent outbursts. He's the kind of guy you'd love to have as a drinking buddy and who'd probably be a pretty cool brother-in-law, but that's probably the end of it. A mistrust of intellect, temper tantrums, and Yosemite Sam-like rage are some of his core qualities.


john Calhoun

A sinister, good-looking, vain mastermind Senator. Dude is quoted as saying that slavery was NOT a “necessary evil” but rather a “positive good”. So that’s who we’re dealing with here… But also, while on his deathbed, Jackson expressed regret that he had not had Calhoun executed… so the guy couldn’t have been all bad.


John Quincy Adams

We all know what happens when the son of a Former President decides THEY want to be President…You end up with a Dick Cheney operated puppet show. At least John Calhoun didn’t have a robot heart…although he may have shot some of his friends. John Quincy Adams is a Man-Baby who wants the Presidency like Veruca Salt wants a Wonka bar. “I want it now!!”


The Female Soloist

The voice of her generation, they just don’t know it yet. If this were the 90s she’d be in a sundress and combat boots and not having anything to do with Kurt’s death. She’s Dresden Dolls Brechtian Punk Cabaret star that you wanna be, but also fear. Get on her level before it is too late and you’re left listening to showtunes…oh…wait.


Rachel Jackson

Deeply religious and devoted to Jackson. Strangely alluring but not overtly sexual…is what they say about her…but c’mon…Rachel was certainly still married to her first husband when she and Jackson got together. That is some kinda compelling lady. She died days after the election, but well before inauguration, so she was never First Lady. That position was assumed by her niece…which isn’t weird at all. Why do you ask?


Henry Clay

A backwoods version of Calhoun's villainous senator. If we could have gotten Crispin Glover, we would have. Greasy hair. Wears weasel pelts. Over-the-top and vivacious. Transparent in his villainy and revels in it. Tall, cadaverous. Can often be found ringing the necks of squirrels and sleeping on the floor with his huntin’ dogs.


The Story Teller

Milquetoast, oppressively good-natured narrator. Wears a really precious sweater. Loves history. LOVES Jackson. Loves telling the audience about both. Being in this show might be the most exciting moment in her life. There is SOMETHING wrong with this person, but also…you’ve gotta love her enthusiasm.


MArtin Van Buren

Jackson's right hand man. In over his head. A buffoon, well-intentioned and utterly lovable. He’s the sort of dude who would give you his last twinkie…but let’s be real, there’s no such thing as your LAST Twinkie!! This might not be historically accurate. But also, he is a BIG fan of a good bottom.

“Yay, bottoms”

- Martin Van Buren,

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson


James Monroe

President of the United States. Old school American aristocracy. Foppish and overwhelmed. Exasperated by Jackson's overreaching as well as by the idiocy of his advisors. Had his own Doctrine!! Was super opposed to European meddling in the Americas…But was ALL ABOUT freed slaves COLONIZING Africa…weird.


The Ensemble

Anyone who is anyone knows that the Ensemble is the most important part of any production. These folks play a BUNCH of roles…They are here to show you the very worst, the dregs, the gross, the stupid, the inept…but also the best, the hopeful, the beautiful, the possible. They’re America…ugh. But also…yay?


The Male Soloist

Imagine Brandon Flowers and Brendan Urie had a baby. Hot? Right? That kid would grow up to front a band called Killers! At the Disco…and our guy here, would make THAT guy look like Shane Macgowan. My dude is the guy you bring home to scare your aunt, but secretly, you’re only in it to share his eyeliner collection.